In the middle of the night last night, with an immediate force, I sat up in my bed.
I was breathing heavily and covered in sweat. I just experienced one of the scariest dreams I’ve ever experienced.
I can’t remember much about it, but I can remember that it felt like it went on for hours and I was INCREDIBLY scared.
I’ve experienced a lot of fear, anxiety and depression over my years… and recently that old and so very familiar feeling of hopelessness struck it’s entrenching claws again.
We’re in the middle of an unbelievably uncertain time with this global pandemic that has engulfed our normal sense of being and lives.
But what was my normal sense of being and life?
I, at 37, have never been fully, authentically content with my sense of being and trajectory in life.
And recently I have felt immensely trapped, with no sense of hope…
… My familiar thoughts of ‘Here I am again feeling like this, I’ve fucking failed at life, I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I don’t fit in, I’m lonely and I’m scared’.
In that nightmare last night, I was scared as fuck.
I had an overwhelmingly EXTREME SENSE OF DREAD… I felt super super ALONE, so so small, so insignificant, so disconnected from
everything and everyone… I felt so so, soooooo SCARED.
My eyes are welling up writing this.
It was a super familiar feeling… but MAGNIFIED INDEFINABLY.
Last weekend, I basically spent a few days in bed … after many weeks of feeling stressed and anxious, depression had set in, once again. For 2 mornings I woke up and immediately had that thought of ‘I don’t want to be awake, I don’t want to be here’.
I felt trapped, I felt hopeless, I felt fucking alone. I didn’t reach out… I told myself I don’t have people I can connect to or the people I might have, they’ve heard it before and are probably tired of me… I was saying to myself…. what’s the point of being alive if it hurts this much?
I know this place. I know it well.
And it’s the extreme opposite of what I want and what I need.
Monday I got up, I got into nature, I started to connect again with people, I got back to my exercise again… and it’s slowly getting better.
I even rang someone straight away this morning to talk out my dream and have a cry, rather than hold it in.
Although this nightmare shook my fucking core… It’s telling me I need to connect .. I need to keep going and I need to listen to what I really need and not what my mind tells me sometimes…
It’s time to build Depression2LIFE and connect, heal and love again x