What’s my go to avoidance strategy?
It’s being on my phone.
Youtube, Reddit, Netflix… anything to avoid what’s going on deep down.
… and I’ve been doing this a LOT recently.
I know I’m avoiding, I know that by engaging in this behaviour, this isn’t going to make me feel any better… in fact, it inevitably makes me feel even worse.
But it’s instinctive… do this, avoid the pain.
Though, it’s also this – Short term gain, long term pain.
Now sure, sometimes this avoidance tactic is needed… it’s needed to allow a little space from the stress, from the pain, from my thoughts… but not when it’s used frequently… as it has of late.
… I sat just earlier for 10 mins… just me and some calming music and a candle… to allow a little space … space that was non-avoidant … space that allowed what ever it is inside me to come up. Just space.
I realised, or more so really acknowledged, that I am getting overwhelmed recently. This feeling overwhelmed feeling is so very familiar to me… and something I have not dealt with well in the past.
This feeling has led to me very very dark places … and if I’m brutally honest… I am concerned. I am worried that I may be on that scary path again.
I am also aware that I am at a point where I can make choices before it get’s any worse. Before it gets to a point where I am unable to make those coherent and wise choices that I need to for myself.
So, the slow turning point begins.
This is where I pull myself, in as gentle way as possible, in the direction I need to go…