Familiar Doubt

So after my somewhat good day yesterday, I thought I’d share about the day before.

The day before, I didn’t do so well.

I woke up thinking ‘Ok great, I’ve got the whole day to get stuck into writing this course’. Pretty much straight away I felt my chest and solar plexus tighten up and my mind racing with thoughts…

“I’m not smart enough to do this”

“I’m not articulate enough to do this”

“Man, I’m not even a writer… this doesn’t come easy for me.. what the hell am I doing?”

“I can’t do this”

“Here I go again, have great ideas, then do nothing about them… fuck … “

My mind swirls, my body tenses… I go into both fear and remorse.

I feel overwhelmed.

I have found that this ‘overwhelming’ feeling has occurred a lot over the years for me. I never really learnt or adopted a good coping strategy for when the going gets tough. It’s not always this way… but it’s definitely a pattern.

I stress out, tell myself I’m not enough in what ever way, get overwhelmed, crumble … then distract … procrastinate… Queeeeeeen of procrastination …. and then feel shit about it deep down.

This time it’s a little different.

I mean it has been slowly nudging towards being different over the years, especially as I’m really learning how to tune into my thoughts and bodily sensations… but then I did go into another deep and scary depression at the beginning of last year… ?

This time is different though…. I have a focus, I have a goal…. and there’s something deep down inside that’s telling myself to give it a good go. Push through the intrinsically familiar thought spirals, don’t believe them.. change the tapes.

This time I am pushing through.

Sitting here now, I have this deep inner sense or knowing that this… this is it…. I am actually the best I’ve ever been.

Even with the familiar days of doubt and shit that does play in my head… and my poor bodies inability to react in any other way than it’s meant to … I do have an ever growing sense of calm and knowing that all is well and that I’m on the right path.

Yesterday I woke up, said hi to my fears and thoughts, drank my morning warm water and apple cider vinegar (get it down), whilst listening to some sweet chill tunes. I then did the physio I’m meant to be doing for my lower back…. wahoo…

… and then… I sat (meditation) for 20 minutes.

Using the ever so awesome Insight Timer app as support… I got into my comfortable position (I’m a sit on my feet kinda girl), closed my eyes, breathed deeply and slowly calmed my breath … deep and slow … I am here, I am in my body, I am well…

Calm and centered, I started my day in a grounded place…

… I let the doubts fade away … and let the real me be creative and curious …

… just the way I like it.

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