I wrote ‘Drifting Through Life – Time to Change’ well over a week ago now.
Not much has changed since. It’s like I know something has to change, something has to move, something has to develop… but that’s really hard to do. Especially when I seem to be stuck in the same loops that have held me back at certain times in my life. But I guess everything’s a process right?
The loop I’m ‘stuck’ in at the moment or one that at least has been happening weekly/bi-weekly on a consistent basis over the past couple of months revolves around socialising and alcohol/drugs. I go out, over indulge, have a great time and pay for it for 3 days after.
Yup, 3 days.
The very next day I spend half of it sleeping. The following 2 days I’m functioning but anxious within myself, which brings upon my ol’ familiar negative/worried mindset. The next few days (I’m on day 4) I start to get back on track, a little more focused, feeling more positive.
Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself?
In a way, it’s proving really difficult not too. And I know, I’m on meds, I ‘shouldn’t’ be drinking. But sure, I’ve been doing this for years… it’s just getting worse now.
When I started back on the meds (this time) back in April/May, I really took my time getting back out on the socialising scene… keeping my drinking, if any, to a minimum. But, as time went on I realised after one night of over indulgence, I didn’t get a hangover.
Well, I was tired but my mood was upbeat and vibrant. I was generally content, happy to be feeling content and looking forward to what adventures I could do next.
The last couple of months this changed. My whole outlook on life changed again.
The initial high of the meds and new lease of life finally dissipated. I went from feeling great, thankful, hopeful… slowly to the dread and reality of the few months previous. That’s it, reality set in… I’m back to where I was before.
I’ve been aware of this issue for the past while now. This last weekend I actually made the decision to not indulge on a night out where I knew it would be difficult. A charity function to raise funds for BelongTo – an LGBT youth organisation here in Ireland with free booze and positivity and excitement in the air.
Bloody hell, this was so difficult.
I just wanted to relax, have a few drinks and join in the fun. I did to a certain extent, but honestly, for the most part, that’s hard to do sober for me.
In the end, I did curcumed and had a couple of wines… but, I went home early and didn’t carry on… like I usually would.
Moving to the following day, my Mum’s birthday. We had a fab day.. then the ‘quiet’ enough night turned into something quite different. I went from I’m being the sober driver to, we’re leaving the car in town and I’m having pints! The Irish were playing the All Blacks on the big screen and the vibe was electric.
On the one hand, I was ‘minding myself’ by consciously drinking pints of water during the night… and on the other I had totally let myself down by disregarding the potential repercussions of the following days.
… And here I am.. with dinner plans and a concert over the next few days to test myself out again…