I’m 36 and never really had a plan for my life. Like one of those 5 year plans. Or a clear direction of where I want to go and where I want to be.
I’ve had small plans. Like get through this next year, get through this course, look forward to this trip etc. But I’ve never really known exactly what it is that I want. I’ve had vague ideas about having enough money to be able to travel and have a nice house and having a fun and enjoyable life. But I’ve never really had a plan to get there.
Of course I’ve had enjoyable times in my life thus far… experienced many wonderful and new things… travelling, friendships, babies, awesome pets and animals, falling in love… However these have all just happened with no real clear intent to a future me …
Really… I’ve feel like I’ve just been drifting aimlessly through life.
I know drifting aimlessly might be fine for some people and has been for me every so often, but I also know life and living this way isn’t what I want to be doing anymore.
For me this ‘drifting’ has then been periodically intertwined with times of debilitating depression… times of being so scared and lost… times of wanting to hide or wanting out.
This period is generally, followed by visits to the doctor, being prescribed anti-depressants again…. again… followed by recovery, followed by a new lease of life… which slowly drifts into what’s next… little plans are made… life goes on… fleeting moments of joy experienced…
However… there’s this underlying doubt and fear about where my place is in the world, where I’m going, where I’ll be.
I’ve never really taken some proper time out, real time out, to figure out what it is that I want. And to really stick with taking the time to do so.
I do know… for ABSOLUTE SURE that this last episode of life threatening depression has to be the last. It has to be. I can’t go so deep and so lost again… for it will be the last of me. I can not go there again.
It’s not even an option. …. Hmmmmmm… Well, if I’m really honest, of course it’s an option. But it’s an option which is irreversible and an option that I know would leave a gaping hole in the lives of people around me.
I need a plan to help me not go there again.
I want and need direction and clarity. I need a focus.