So after a couple of pretty hopeless days last week, I had the opportunity to go on a San Pedro (Huchuma) Healing Ceremony weekend in a large wooden house surrounded by the lush Wicklow Mountains.
As I left Mum’s house on Friday, I pulled the sheets and covers off my bed, packed my blankets and pillows before heading off on my adventure. Mum explicitly told me to message her on route and as soon as I was to have coverage on Sunday. The remote house in the mountains wasn’t to have phone signal. Mum has been worried about me recently.
I returned today… after sharing my experience of the weekend to her and my younger bro, she came up to check on me in my room as I was shuffling around unpacking.
She shared that she was happy to hear of my experience and questioned lightly about my stripped bed. After explaining to her why, she told me this:
She said she had come up to my room after I left and after seeing the stripped bed, her heart dropped… she wondered if my trip away and story about the non-existing phone coverage was just that – a story.
She wondered if I was heading up to the mountains in my car to kill myself.
She kept busy all weekend. Shopping, getting out of the house, getting out of her head with the thoughts that maybe this time her only daughter was going to take her life.
As tears rolled down her cheeks and mine, I reached out and held her hand and said sorry. She warmly said it wasn’t my fault.
To see my Mum like that, to know she thought I was going to no longer be and the hurt it bared upon her face was painful… my throat as I write this is almost choking in pain.
I am sorry Mum, I’m sorry to have scared you like that… and for the times before too.
I’m doing my best here, trying everything I can.
– This shall pass ok –